I am weak..I have no backbone.
That must be the reason, why I finally gave in to watch Rizzoli and Isles.
That and a hefty bout of insomnia.
And peer pressure.
One cannot escape the combined powers of twitter and facebook forever.
Unless one is to shut off the computer, and as we all know, that must never happen.
Principles..I have principles..after stumbling out of "Wicked" in April, I was furious.
Furious, because in the year 2010, we still need an effin prince in the picture for a musical to be that successful, even though the two women on stage had been singing their hearts out to one another all evening?
I've been through Xena..I've been through Faith and Buffy, I've been through all of Star Trek..and I am so over subtext.
Well,by now I've also been through pretty much all of the Wicked fanfiction I can find, so bring on Rizzoli and Isles.
The show starts off with a gruesome murder.
And by gruesome I mean scalpels and scary stuff happening just outside the camera's view..but we know it's pretty bad by the way the guy's who is watching eyes widen in horror and the terrified sounds that the woman who has just been dragged beyond the periphery is making.
Haven't watched a crime show in..wait..since Profiler, I think.
To keep my mind off of the violence I focus on the TNT logo instead.
TNT has also brought Witchblade our way.
When I snap out of my vision of Sarah Pezzini's fabulous abs, the screen has shifted to broad daylight and someone is playing basketball in the driveway.
We're introduced to Rizzoli and her brother.
She busts his ass in B-Ball, and he busts her nose.
Accidentally of course, because this is not that kind of cop family drama.
Or at least it isn't yet.
It's obviously Sunday dinner time at the Rizzolian household, and we get to see, that this is a healthy sort of cop lady,with a solid family background.
I sigh a little in memory of all of the disturbed ones I've known before, RIP Sarah Pezzini,RIP Sarah Walker..hell, even RIP Lacey.
But maybe, if I watch this show long enough, my dating pattern might actually shift towards the non-psychologically disturbed, so I'm not complaining.
However, Rizz has to cut the sweet family time short, because she got a call and needs to go to a crime scene.
Her mom begins to complain, but the detective cuts her short with a line that,somehow almost all doctors and TV cops all over the world invariably forget to utter.
"I'm on call,mom.You knew that."
You go girl!
And go she does.
At the crime scene, we meet Rizz's old and new partner, none of whom are, by the way, Isles.
But I am ecstatic to see them anyways, because her new partner is busy throwing up into the bushes, while her old partner is cracking jokes about it.
Why is that so great?
Because since this is not one of those funny, ha,ha, kind of cop shows, the puking guy immediatley disqualifies as a romantic interest for Rizz.(Unless of course, the show runs for five seasons, and someone in the executive wing of TNT starts to notice the uncanny chemistry between R&I and points his/her wand at them and whispers "Deslesbianificato!")
Her old partner is actually old and some kind of friendly fatherly figure or whatever..but definitely not a romantic interest either.
So, having their pal status firmly established, we shift our attention elsewhere.
Some sleek car arrives and out step a pair of heels, that would make Scully blush.
Isles has arrived.
Rizz and Isles check out the gory crime scene and make their sweet first acquaintance over a dead and cold body.
Since Isles is not only super smart, but also has xray vision,(I suspect she is Superman and Scully's love child,besides being Arizona Robbins' lost twin sister)she hops on over and realigns the broken bones in Rizz's nose.
Rizz wouldn't let her brother do it for her, but allows Isles to.
I guess flowers are next?
Well,anyways, the handywork of the murder looks like that of an old acquaintance of Rizz's.
But Hoyt's ass ist still keeping his bunk bed in jail warm.
Nope, cause Rizz knows Hoyt's case like the back of her scarred hand.
They didn't release the stun gun detail, that has been employed here.
Which means,that Hannibal Lecter light must have had a student.
Even more disturbing is the romantic male ineterest that does finally pop up.
FBI agent, that supposedly is cute but only seems like he jumped on over from a family friendly show,like say, 7th Heaven, instead of Quantico.
But strangely enough, Rizzoli and Isles only use the opporunity of the new Y chromosome in the room to throw very unsubtle glances at each other behind his back,
Flirtation is almost an understatement.
Being blonde, I haven't really gotten the gist whether they just met, are new colleagues or have known each other for a while..but whatever it is..the eyes they're making at each other are looking more like they're thinking about last night and the fingerprints that Isles left on Rizz's headboard.
Well, anyways, back to the case at hand, since all of us are definitely watching the show for the crime investigation.
Logically,this murder bearing a particular handprint, Frost,Rizz's new partner with the sensible stomach, and the Lady herself, go to jail the next day and have a word with the Hoyt,cause you know, serial killers like to spill the beans about their projects as much as Paris Hilton her sex secrets.
Hoyt remarks on Rizz's smell, and I am glad, that Isles didn't tape up Rizz's nose.
It reeks of some cheap Hannibal Lecter imitation perfume in that room.
They play some surprisingly undisturbed psychological hanky panky, and I must say, that Rizz's department must have one heck of a post traumatic psychologist, cause the woman hardly flinches under psycho Hoyt's advances.
Turns out he had her basically crucified to the floor with scalpels and her partner at the time only caught up with them super last minute.
The flashbacks briefly do make me wonder if we're up for some profiler like intuition, but nope, even when psycho Hoyt states, that she's his unfinished work, the woman hardly stirs.
Ah, Sam Walker..you were a feminine mess, with your very own serial killer psycho stalker..I lubzed you,too..and especially your predecessor..
But back to the current programming.
Surprisingly, the guy doesn't reveal any clues. Not even, when Rizz confesses, that he's in her dreams,too.
Awww, I can almost hear them bleating, the lambs.
They leave after some more merry threatening by Hoyt.
Well, as unfulfilling as that was, it was useless, too, since the kidnapped wife of the murdered is now seemingly keeping him company amongst the stars.
Her body has been found, and Rizz,of course, rushes to the scene.
Strangely enough, the detective pauses in her car to apply some lipstick before steppingp out into the woods.
Unless we might think, that such would be normal behavior for her, both of her partners, old and new, tease her about the lipstick to no end.
Since they just disqualified themselves further from the the list of romantic suspects, we're only left with Isles, who, of course, is already investigating the body.
Ah,ok..and now, even this blonde gets, why everyone is loving this show so much.
There really isn't anyone else out there to benefit from I'm not THAT tough a cop Rizzoli smearing her lips with some color, except our overdressed doctor.
Of course the FBI guy shows up again, but Rizz is genuinely surprised to see him there..again..and nope dude, the lipstick wasn't for your benefit either.
After some more investigating and brain racking, they go to the morgue, where Isles is doing her magic and Rizz's old partner is munching on a donut or something,the FBI guy comes in,too and tips them off to check for necrophilia, which proves to be true..charming.
A little later Rizz and Isles discuss the case, and Rizz brings her Lady love some food..tuna.
Of course FBI guy can't let them have a meal in peace, comments on the "cat food" and spoils the romantic dinner out of a can, further by informing Rizz that Hoyt escaped out of prison.
It involved some pill and staged surgery and not a map tattooed on his back, I am sorry to say.
Back upstairs at the precinct, they watch the video that was taken during Hoyt's surgery.
Obviously they had a camera in the OR but were too stingy to put a few guards up..oh well, must be the economy.
Anyways, Hoyt slits his hands with the handy scalpel, after slicing up all of the Surgeons(maybe he was an Anasthesiologist,previously?) and holds them up for the camera.
Rizz recognizes this as a message for her, and I could swear that I have heard that exact line before.
We go back to Rizz's apartment for nighttime, but alas, it's not the flaxen haired forensic we find there, but her brother and Frost, the previously mentioned partner.
Totally illogically,since her serial murdering friend has repeatedly now stated, that he's after her, Rizz kicks both of her wannabe protector's out of her pad.
They settle for waiting outside, and her bro leaves with an"If you have a boyfriend over, we'll know.How's that?" Rizz gives him an ironic "Yup.Exactly that is going to happen" look.
Woman needs to come out to her family already.
After she starts vacuuming in the middle of the night,her nice neighbor comes by, but not to complain, but out of concern.
She's so dead.
Then her mother shows up and tells her,that her lipstick is too pink.
Aww, shucks,mom, why didn't you pop in a subtle"Who's the handsome young man you put this on for,or is it a Lady?"
More "woe is me..you're a cop" lines finally make Rizz leave.
Where to go when on a run from a serial killer and your not exactly over protective family?
She rings the bell..
And out of the door steps Isles in a sort of ruffled nightie the wind in her hair.
Rizz steps up to the door and says this:
"Why do you always look like you're about to do a photoshoot?"
I'm about ready to swoon..but the music doesn't pick up and they don't kiss.
The Ladies chat some in Isles' kitchen and Rizz gets to meet "Bass" the tortoise.
Bass like the famous forensic not the gay rockstar.And not named after an old boyfriend..nice probing there,detective.
Bass is partial to English strawberries..again the tortoise..yeah right.My mind went meandering off into L Word territory there for a moment.
Anyways, back in the bedroom.
The two start making the bed(Yes!) but their little chat about Isles' being better than wikipedia (nice one there Rizz, you're obviously not just a good cop, but an experienced charmer as well) gets interrupted by the doorbell.
The bell rings..Rizz remembers, that she is actually hiding from a homicidal criminal and his pal, and is afraid, but Isles expects a package or something, and tells Rizz to stay behind and not look or something.
Well, anyways, its smarmy FBI guy.
Jealously, Rizz peeks at the nighttime visitor.
By the time Isles gets back, she's lying in bed already.
They flirt a little and smile a lot and Isles gets in beside Rizz.
Finally! albeit they're fully clothed, but Rizz says this:
"Is this a sleepover or your way to say you're attracted to me?"
Isles only chuckles.
Jane Rizzoli, didn't you show up at her door in the middle of the night?
They chat some more,about the FBI and the secret case Isles is working on with smarmy guy.
Conversation steers to him, and again, Rizzoli probes about Isles seeing him.
Then they do that thing, that would make my old English teacher very happy.
The one where the characters speak the writer's mind thingie, while in character.
"I guess one of us should date this guy!"Isles says,both laugh and Rizz says,
"We should both just take off our shirts and let him decide."
Can I volunteer as a judge?
Or better yet, why don't you compare first?
Anyways, there is no taking off of shirts that night at all, sadly.
I'm actualy beginning to think, that all US American police women ever do is sleep in their dayclothes.
The conversation (yes they talk in bed, cause they're obviously Lesbians) gets interrupted by..well, Bass the tortoise.
There's a sound, Rizz is remembering for a moment, that she's hunted by a pack of scary psycho killer dudes, and Isles puts a comforting hand on her arm.
Tension.Chemistry.Perfect moment for a kiss.
And the first time, that this little Otalia fangirl screams :"Kiss her!" at the screen.
The first time of many.
Oh well,here we go again.
You can almost see the butterflies in the room..well,I can certainly feel them.
So Isles, the high socialite does what every schoolboy does in a moment of awkward sexual tension,she puts her arm behind her head in a gesture of unrelaxed poise.
Rizz chooses this moment to fidget with her hands and show some vulnerability by saying,that she has never been more scared in all of her life.
Ah, I forgot the killer..of course.
Why are they breathing so heavily?
And why is Isles looking so intently at Rizz's hands?
We won't find out as we fade to black.
There's some coppartner talk at the staion that I couldn't care less about,and Rizz is called to another crime scene.
There,of course is Isles, poking around at the victim again, as is her wont to do.
With a soft touch to the back,Rizz alarms her to her presence, and they stand awfully close as they talk.
Rizzoli gets called outside for something,and since Isles is her new girlfriend,as I have now decided, and girlfrined duties supersede work, she follows right behind her.
Psycho Hoyt sent her a cactus.
Cheap.Lecter would have gone for an orchid or a dead parrot or something equally exotic.
Oh well, he has a very original thing on the card, that goes something like spiky on the outside and succulent on the inside.
I will not even comment on that.
But I will remark on Isles, standing right behind her gf with her hands in her pocket.
I wonder if she agrees with that assessment?
Or if she is just rolling her eyes inwardly at the lame pun as am I?
Turns out, that the card is signed by an Anagram, that spells not Ted ,but Theodore Bundy,as Isles points out.
Ted Bundy?Really?And Theodore Bundy was fascinated by Necrophilia?
What does Married with Children have to do with any of this?
We'll never know, since I am too lazy to actually wiki Theodore Bundy.
But I'll never look at someone with a "No M'am" T -Shirt ever the same again.
Anyways, they find out, by this,somehow, that the killer had meant to return to the dead body,and that they were never supposed to find it, and that he had to kill again, because they did.
Did Peggy Bundy tip them off?
They discuss this leaning closely over a computer screen,together.
Nice..Rizzoli of the many partners..good thing, that she is going through her cases with Isles,the forensic.
But I am so not complaimimg..if only they'd lean a little closer..and then a little closer..and..
As if on cue, there's another call, and it turns out, that a necrophiliac psycho killer in Boston just can't find a place where he can keep his dead bodies in peace. The new victim has just been found..again, by accident.
Rizz tells Isles, that she won't like, what they're about to do, and Isles gives her a brief , "You can't know that!" look.
I wonder where her mind just went.
I know where mine did.
Rizz and Isles rush to the scene,and they argue about Rizz' plan to surveil the body.
Without following protocol,securing the crime scene and performing an autopsy on it.
Isles is strictly against all of it,of course.
"Please, do this for me!" Rizz finally says, as a final argument, and I am opening up a bank account for future couples therapy as we speak.
Of cours, Isles does it for her, and we switch over to Rizz and her old partner sitting in the car, surveilling the park at night.
There's a Yorkie, smallish dog, in the car, that the partner has picked up someplace, and that will accompany us throughout the rest of the show.
Anyways, the partner steps out to pee, and let's say it in unison:
It is never a good idea, to "just briefly step out",while a couple of serials killers are around.
Rizzoli finally remembers the copshows she used to watch as a kid, and begins to wonder after a few minutes,where her partner, in the killer ridden dark, might have remained..hmm?
The dog is worth shit as cop material, by the way.
Rizz sees a guy running through the underbrush, follows him and tackles him in a creek.
To her chagrin and my joy, it's the FBI dude,who was chasing Hoyt.
They hear some moaning of the bad kind, and it is Rizz's partner, whose throat has made the acquaintance with Hoyt's scalpel.
Dude, next time..just don't drink so much coffee..it's just not worth it.
The most boring murderer surveillance ever, brings us some good times in Isles' lab, as Rizz calls her out about ratting their little outing out to the FBI.
Rizz words go something like this:
"Because I treated a senior federal agent like a perv...I tackled him, Maura..in a creek."
They argue a little more, before they agree, that the dog should get a bath..in the overused forensic lab sink.
So,in a completely logical move, Rizz bathes the dog, when Isles saunters up to her.
She does, you know, saunter,with a flirty smile on her face.
"Did you actually tackle him?" Isles asks.
"Yes, Rizz says," like a linebacker.Very professional."
For what they really are saying is this:
"Soo," as Isles licks her lips," did you reeally tackle, this guy, all big and strong and powerful?Getting dirty in the mud of that creek?"
"Yes," Rizz, rasps," I did.Because, little Lady, I am that big and strong..and..I know my stuff.Well."
"Wow." Isles says, looking her up and down,briefly,"You're very brave."
And that last line did, actually, happen.
But Rizz, ever trying to impress the soft butch aspect onto her persona, says, "No, I am simmply tired of being frightened."
Isles looks at her again, confused for a moment, that her little flirtatious banter has now landed her, suddenly, with a damsel in distress.
Alright, alright,I don't even care about the roles in this anymore..just kiss already!
Isles,the ball is in your field!
But we're not playing ballgames yet, as we cut to Rizz opening the door to her apartment.
It is evening now, she is home, and it has,apparently knocked on the door.
Don't get your hopes up, it's not our favorite forensics fiend in the Boston area, but our least favorite Quantico graduate.
I don't really get why he stops by, except to hit on Rizz with the worst timing ever.
She offers him coffee.And he thinks "coffee" is an encouragement to remark on the neatness of her abode and compliment that he, too, like Hoyt,has noticed that she's female.
Geez, and I thought I was bad at hitting on girls.
Since he has only been assigned on this case since forever, he needs to actually ask about what happened to her hands..oh please.
We get another, profilerish flashback..and I sigh.
Those were them good FBI times.
Smary FBI guy isn't the easiest guy to shake either, since he actually has the balls to ask if he should stay over.
Maybe he and Hoyt have more in common than one would think?
But no, this isn't that kind of a show either.
Rizz tells him:"No!" and then goes on to say "No..not like no..but like no!"
No! as in "I don't want to sleep with you but not because you're repulsive or anything, you're really nice, I'm just really gay."
He thanks her for the coffee, basically to tell her, that she's sending out the wrong signals.
Well, honey, if you show up at someone's doorstep in the middle of the night, and they ask you if you want some coffee, and you actually, you know, drink the beverage, coffee means coffee..people have to invite you UP for coffee..only then does coffee not mean coffee..
Get your Seinfeld right!
Geez, even almost Virgin forever Natalia, on Guiding Light knew that.
Now, where were we?
Oh yes, we're at the police office, and Maura Isles stops by with some,well, coffee.
They chit chat a little and after Rizz has received some calls, Isles asks her, what her ring tone is.
Rizz shows her through a few flirtatious smiles.
It's a cheap midi version of Chopin's Death March.
Isles likes it,too.
Nothing says "My sweetheart has called" like The "Marche Funebré".
I wonder if Isles' ringtone for Rizz is "Hey there, Delilah" or something.
Oh well, they keep talking about Rizz' mother and that Rizz won't come home to sleep in her pink canopy bed.
Honestly, I don't think that they even have those in Rizz' size, and well..just no.
Isles,our little princess femme, says, that she has always wanted a pink canopy bed, to which Rizz drily replies that she has always wanted a horse.
Aww, the Butch and the Femme on a coffee date in the precinct.
The topic of conversation turns more serious, as Isles confesses to Rizz, that she has to go to Quantico the next day.
She discloses some more information, that she probably wasn't even allowed to, and Rizz storms off to find out why her case is so big,it involves National Security.
She hunts down FBI dude, the senator who is responsible for all of this happens to be around, too, and they sit down together, to benignly fill Rizz in on the missing facts.
Sans coffee this time,by the way.
Hoyt's student,it turns out, is some former secret premier class soldier dude, who used to kill in the same murderous style in Afghanistan.
Turns out he and Hoyt met at some Fort something or other, and he took him as his apprentice there.
Charming.Best line of the convo comes, unsurprisngly, from Rizz:
"We teach them to be killers, and then we are surprised,when they actually are."
Smarmy guy says,"I hate that he is a soldier." Way to go,Mr.Pro Army,when the Lady you're trying to win over has just made a pacifist, philosophical statement.
FBI guy and Rizz walk out of the office and the guy asks whether or not Rizz has eaten.
She says she can't remember.
Well, he is trying to pry a dinner date out of her,which she evades awkwardly.
No,I am certainly not as bad at this than he is..and I am pretty bad.
Fortunately,he is called away and the Chopin ringtone pipes up.
It's Isles, calling Jane from her apartment.
The murderers have been in Jane's pad,it turns out.
Not missing a chance to meet Isles at her place,although it is a crime scene at the moment, Jane rushes off.
She is intercepted by the coroner on location, asking her to identify a body.
It's the kind neighbor, who all of us knew was going to bite the dust the moment we met her.
Surprising us and surprising Rizzoli however,it is Hoyt in the body bag,very alive.
He pulls a Jenny Schecter and tazers Rizz before he and his evil apprentice cart her off in the fake Coroner's van.
Jane wakes up on the floor of the van,with a piece of duct tape over her mouth.
Dude, you're just really,really gay, when you wake up all tied up,on the floor of a van,with a psycho killer person hovering over you,waxing philosophic, and my first association is a #NoH8 Photoshoot.
Since Hoyt is not only a failed out of med school doctor,but also a hobby psychologist,he gives Rizzoli some free counseling.
Her problem is that her heart rules over her head.
And there I thought her problem was getting into strange vans to sign papers,but whatever.
That's what these Mail-in-to-get-your-graduate-degree-prison courses do for ya.
Well, he is happy that they get to play some sort of game, and that they get to finish what they started.
Guys, if you steal from every thriller imaginable..have at least the decency to use only one line at once.
To underline his point, he cuts a little on Rizz's throat, so that the blade draws some blood dramatically.
Yeah, now I'm really, really scared!
Actually,I am wondering how he is keeping that scalpel so sharp.
That's how scared I am.
Oh, yeah..boy toy apprentice killer guy calls Hoyt outside to have a look, and since neither the cops nor the psychos in this have ever seen a thriller or cop show beside their own, he willingly steps outside and leaves Rizz to herself.
Being the good dyke, that she is, Jane immediately hobbles over to the toolbox in the van's wall,sensing it by Lesbian instinct,probably, and hides a flare under herself.
When Hoyt returns, he wonders why she is smoking,in a literal sense, and Rizzoli blinds him with the flare.
Rambo would be so proud,baby!
They fall out of the van, and Jane manages to tazer the returning apprentice guy, who,elite soldier that he is, conveniently loses his gun in shock.
Then the detective proceeds to shoot the elite soldier with her tied hands.
Since someone else besides me has obviously watched the "Silence of the Lambs", Jane huffs and grunts despairingly in disbelief and triumph.
You Go Girl!
Using the handy scalpel to free herself from the duct tape around her hands, she quickly lunges after the gun,when Hoyt comes to and tries to go for it.
Then in a move, that proves,that no post traumatic therapy, not even that of the Boston Police Department,is perfect,she shoots Hoyt through the back of both of his hands, with the words,"Now, we match.".
Smart move,there,Detective, if you want a connection with a psychopathic serial killer that lasts beyond episode one.
I'm pretty sure, that someone put that scene in,cause they liked the sound of the line.
Well,so would I,if Rizzoli wasn't continually made out to be such a goody two shoes otherweise,this wouldn't be so absiolutely out of character for her, and Hoyt wouldn't be such a loser of a psychokiller.
Oh well.We take what we can get.
That's exactly what smarmy FBI Dude seems to decide on,too, even though he is more focused on the getting part yet.
In the, and I would like to rectify my assessment from earlier, WORST timing in the history of hitting on someone, he is STIll trying to get Rizzoli to go out with him.
"Heard you got second degree burns." he says.
"Yeah..flares are h..hh..hot." Jane answers.
And I wish she were talking about Isles right now,and telling him to take his beyond lame pick up lines somewhere else.
But, lo and behold,for the benefit of all of us, she kind of does.
He tries to get her to eat dinner with him, insisting,that she must be hungry NOW.
She tells him,that she just wants to go home.
I really was beginning to lose my appetite, with that guy around, as well.
If you've ever seen a movie apartment that has been ransacked by burglars,you'll have a pretty good idea, exactly what Rizz's place looks like right now.
She sighs and sinks down against the door.
I hope she has some kind of insurance for this.
She has something even better than insurance, when Isles walks through the door and not only brings herself to help clean the place up,but a new pet.
A Baby Tortoise.
So Rizzoli can see for herself what extraordinary creatures Tortoises are.
She can certainly see what kind of a lovely creature Isles is, since doctor brings the best line of the whole show right about now.
After some banter about Isles' cute "work clothes"...
She puts on her blue examination gloves and says this:
"Where do you want me to start?"
Rizzoli answers with an "Come on!" and gestures away from the kitchen.
I say HELL YES!
And Isles says "What?"
Turns out that Rizzoli wants to go out for Bloody Marys.
"You always said that we needed to do something outside of a crime scene..this is a crime scene."
Why is Isles' bed a crime scene where they were in just last night?
What state do they live in again?
But I digress.
Rizzoli quips that her soiled,I've lain on the floor of a van, scorched myself with a flare and rolled around in the dirt, clothes are her going out clothes, when Isles asks her if she plans to go out "like that".
They leave the apartment, and on a last thought, Rizz calls out to Joe Friday, the Yorkie, her other new pet, to come along.
And with that the first episode is over.
And subtext or not..
At least it is for me.
Thanks To @fluuub for the lovely pictures and to you for reading:-)